Delayed Green

Cuppies!!

2009-09-14T18:10:00.003-04:00

Were I to take cupcake-making more seriously (professionally of some sort, perhaps?), I would likely think of these as my "standard" creations:

FANCY (these generally look very clean and purdy):

carrot cake with golden raisins and walnuts, cream cheese frosting, walnut garnish

red velvet, cream cheese frosting, cherry garnish

vanilla bean cake, kahlua filling, coffee frosting

graham cracker cake, banana pudding, chocolate frosting, crushed graham cracker garnish

chocolate cake, peanut butter filling, peanut butter frosting, 1/2 reese's pb cup garnish

buttermilk yellow cake, strawberry filling, butter cream frosting, strawberry garnish

lemon cake, raspberry filling, cream cheese frosting, raspberry and mint leaf garnish

SIMPLE (these are good for playing with decorations):

white cake, butter cream frosting, w or w/o coconut

white cake, chocolate frosting, sprinkles

chocolate cake, chocolate cherry mousse as frosting, cherry garnish

chocolate cake, marshmallow frosting, fresh flower garnish

white cake with sprinkles (funfetti-esque), marshmallow frosting,
jelly bean garnish

Of course, half the fun is coming up with new combinations, and catering to what people want/ask for. If nothing else, it can help all you indecisive fools get a better idea of what exactly you're asking for when you tell me you want my cuppies ;)

Life, Rebooted

2009-09-08T21:48:00.007-04:00

Hello again, silly little blog. I've missed you. It's been a while since I've contributed a self-indulgent offering to the blogosphere. We have a lot to catch up on! Grab some coffee, let's chat a bit...

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Where to even begin? I fell in love. I lost that love. I lost my job. I had a phenomenal summer of funemployment. I applied to and got accepted to grad school (double eagle, as they say). I moved. Practically every aspect of my life has changed in some fashion. And like a Big Mac, I'm lovin' it (Note: I would not actually love a Big Mac, too many condiments).

I'm currently in a state of transition, having not completely settled into the new apartment yet, nor having worked out just what I'll be doing for an internship/work. But I'm already getting busier, and we all know I thrive when I'm busy. Which is not to say all those days at the park this summer weren't absolutely fabulous, having no responsibilities and lots of sunshine did wonders for me (and may have contributed to inevitable future skin damage, but damnit, my tan looked good). But as the weather starts to develop that crisp bite of autumn, my not-so-secret inner goodie-school-nerd is jumping up and down at the smell of new notebooks.

Actually, all of me has been jumping up and down lately. As one bestie said "it's good to see happy, smiling becky again." I guess I hadn't realized she had gone anywhere, but I certainly notice she's back. Maybe things had just been too stagnant for too long...

Not the case anymore, dear blog. Not at all. It's like I've hit a reset button. With all these changes has of course come some perspective, and what has become most conscious to me is the big birthday I have coming up (okay, I know most of the people who read this are my friends, and are probably shuddering at 25 being a big birthday to me, because I'm a baby to you all, but it's a big deal to me!). For a while I've been thinking that 25 will mean responsibility. But if I'm honest with myself, I am as responsible as I need to be to get by, and my tendency towards spontaneity/flightiness is part of my charm, if not a marker of who I am. While my breasts hang like a woman's now (requisite ani quote, check!), I am no less who I have always been, and what I think is most important for this birthday is actively enjoying everything and everyone I have around me, and all the opportunities I've had and continue to have. I think it's important to push and challenge myself, have new experiences, and do things that I'm not necessarily good at (one of the major reasons I've decided to play football this season - but don't worry, as Sarah is quick to point out, I wear hot pink short-shorts to practice. To thine own self...)

Yesterday, in my first graduate class, we performed the typical "introduce your partner" icebreaker. At the end of class, I thanked Christine for the introduction, and she said something along the lines of "you've lived an awesome life." I did a double-take. What? Me? Sure I think I have an awesome life, but I'd imagine it seems fairly average from the outside (hell, she didn't even know I fuck women - now that's awesome). Yes, things do have a way of working out for me. Yes, I receive an inordinate amount of compliments from strangers. Yes, my powers of persuasion are stronger than most. And I may have lived an awesome life thus far, but i am quite certain there is a great deal more awesome to come.

So that's where I'm at, bloggy. Hopefully you'll see a whole lot more of me following this rebooting of my life, and (speaking of tech) now that I have a handy dandy functioning laptop! I have no excuse. Love and cupcakes.

Introspective Explosion

2009-04-29T15:08:00.006-04:00

The fates aligned yesterday, as Jacquie was drunkenly berating me (in the most loving way possible) about being myself, as I am "a smart, attractive girl;" and heather was supporting her, saying, essentially "smart indeed, read her blog" - their power combined (like earth, wind & fire...and water...and heart!), resulting in the inspiration for a blog post (not quite as cool as captain planet, but hopefully an interesting enough read).

The requisite apologies for it having been so damn long since i've written (although I think this apology is actually mostly intended for me, as the guilt trips I give myself for not writing are completely self-contained).

And a further caveat that this post is quite long and pretty personal, so if you're not ALL that interested in my inner tickings, it may be one to skip.

So, as I said before I digressed, last night Jacquie became the last in a long line of people who I care deeply about to urge (beg!) me to show more of my true self when I'm in public, as I currently do myself a disservice.

What's this? There's more to me than T&A!, labels!, dancing!, partying!, sex!?? Blasphemy.

Anyone who reads this knows that I can be rather introspective, and I am relatively self aware. Further, anyone who reads this has also probably already been exposed to the other (intelligent, caring, subdued) side of me, and has most likely wondered why I wouldnt, if not outright stated (insisted!) I should show more of that person when I'm out and about. If you have not, I guess this is a pretty good preview, no? I've done my share of analyzing the purpose my "good times" persona plays in my life, what it developed out of, and why I still cling to it, and best i can tell, it goes a little something like this...

It's hard to express this without sounding like an overconfident bitch - which I assure you, I am not- but I do recognize that I have a lot going on for me; I am rather intelligent, I am relatively attractive, I am good with people, I am caring and nurturing by nature, things do come pretty easy to me; in fact, my sister's famous line is that I "got all the good genes." Further, I have always had the absolute support of my family (including said sister), who have every confidence that I will be successful at any endeavor, and will be able to handle anything thrown my way. But there are three other factors that come in to play.

The first is that for as long as I can remember, I have received what I can only conclude is an inordinate level of response to my appearance. This was only amplified by puberty when suddenly 'coke bottle' meant something more regarding my shape than the 200 calories of liquid it contained. And I've got that inherent scorpio sensuality. At this point I can time the commenting whenever I walk by any given two adult males: five steps from them they notice, first step by and they are surprised when they see my ass, three more steps and I can hear the faint "damn! did you.." It's not to say that I dont appreciate the attention on some level, and it certainly has provided a good deal of entertainment ("I would wash dishes on that thing!" and "I'm not supposed to talk to women, but I've been a lot of places, I've been to Mohegan Sun, and you are one of the most attractive women I've ever seen" are two of my recent favorites), but for the most part, I tend to block it out... I'm rather flirtatious, but often I have no idea that someone is hitting on me. And someone looking at me doesn't even register to me; it has to be pointed out by the people I'm with.

The second is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm a very friendly person by nature (I'd like to think that my friendliness is a major reason people respond to what they read as the 'attractiveness' i just discussed). I'm happy, emotional and I like interacting with people. I pride myself on being open and forthcoming. Anyone who gets to know me, particularly potential romantic partners, very quickly and easily pick up on a variety of what are apparently my trademark expressions, and can therefore have a very good idea of what I'm thinking at any given point. The culmination of which is that I realize this leaves me somewhat vulnerable.

And the third, maybe the most influential, factor was my somewhat convoluted process for coming to terms with being gay (aw, shit, she's playing the gay card). I knew I was attracted to women by the time I was 13, and probably more relevant was the fact that I knew I was not remotely attracted to men. I repressed the idea of being gay, chalked my thoughts up to being 'natural for teens,' but even then, I'm pretty sure I was the ONLY girl in 7th and 8th grade who didnt have a boyfriend (and in fact I've never had a boyfriend). I've recognized now that, subconsciously, seeing that I was missing the connection that other people had made me search for it, and the way I did so once I got to college was through sex. I certainly didn't act in the best interest of my health or safety, and I allowed myself to be subject to some rather unfortunate circumstances as a result.

[As a warning, the next few paragraphs might be sensitive for some]

The first time I had sex was one of the first times I was blackout drunk at college. One of the guys from Navy saw that and attached himself to my hip. I didnt even know his name.

I went to a party freshman year and had one beer, that was handed to me. The next thing I remember is coming to on a bed with a guy on top of me, telling me he was going to go get a condom. I woke up the next morning.

Right before sophomore year, we were partying with our volunteer group in the dorms. One by one people left the room, until it was just me and this random guy. He kissed me and before I knew it he was on top of me. I told him we couldnt, that I had my period, but that didnt matter. Then he started asking me if he could 'put it in my ass' and i told him no again and again... but he did it anyway.

When I was in the Bahamas for spring break sophomore year, I got separated from my friends. So I was with this brother and sister, and we were fine, but then it got late. They had to go somewhere different than me, so a local taxi driver offered to bring me home. I had no other way of getting back, so in the middle of the night I got into a car that could have taken me literally anywhere. I sat in the back seat looking out the window, crying, terrified, wondering if I would make it back to the hotel, while the driver's friend took my hand in his and forced me to give him a hand job.

[end of 'yucky negative experiences with men']

I feel like I need to take a moment to clarify here that these are all experiences that have had an effect on me, but I also very much feel that they are things that are in my past, I do not use them as a crutch, I do not view myself as a victim, and through sharing them with other women they've actually served as a point of connection and bonding. Most importantly, I am not gay because of them, in fact, if anything, the way I view it is being gay and repressing that led me to subject myself to dangerous situations from which these unfortunate experiences arose. In all, I have a pretty good handle on them.

So where was I? Ah yes, so once I was able to come to terms with being gay (brought on by falling for a truly amazing woman who brought me the connection i was seeking as well as security), I was a much happier, healthier individual. But my views on sex have always been a little divergent from main stream. I dont count partners, because the lines are so blurry between what was consensual and what wasn't and what really counts as sex amongst lesbians? and if it was one way- she only fucked me- does that count? but i'm pretty femme maybe she only WANTS to fuck me, and hey! but what if it was only for a minute? I mean I came, sure, but I come so quickly is that really the measure? and, and, and....bottom line: can we say gray areas? Further, I categorize sex, there's fun/meaningless sex (which I think as a means of self protection I've made it that I MUST be alright with) and there's intimate sex, and I am fully capable of both but view them very differently.

At this point I'm sure you're thinking, goddamn, becky, where the hell is this all going... but I promise it's all relevant. Here I am, this -let's recap- attractive, friendly, overtly flirtatious lesbian, who is more okay with "hooking up" - or even just talking sex - than your average gal. There's a preconceived notion about me before I even open my mouth. And so in part taking from the idea that an insult wont hurt if I say it first, and in part recognizing the vulnerability of putting myself out there wholeheartedly (which it's difficult for me NOT to do), I've developed this somewhat over-the-top persona for when I'm in larger settings and social situations with people I dont know so well. It's a defense mechanism, it's a way of protecting myself. I know it is inherently flawed and does indeed to a disservice to the amazing person that I am when you get to know me one-on-one. But the reason I maintain it is because I like the security it brings, and I also kind of like the notion that only the "special" people who take the time to get to know me get to see my best aspects. Further, it's not that i dont have fun bopping around and interacting with people on a surface level in the social scene, and to me it's really that, a means of having fun, not a telling of who I am.

I understand that most of you hate it, that people who know me know it reads as fake, and that I'm so much better than the girl I am when you meet me at a bar. But I think I'm okay with that, because for the most part I'm not in the hyper-social situations, and the people I care about know me well enough to know me beyond that persona. It is just one aspect of me, just like my professional work persona is another side of me that only comes out when I'm at work. I also think it's been slowly toning down, as I've become more comfortable with this new crowd of friends in general....

And maybe I'm making this into much more of an issue than it actually is (we lesbians do love to process the hell out of a subject). Quite possible.

But all I can say for now is, Jacquie, I promise I'll at least spit out the gum ;)

Bad Habit

2009-03-04T11:02:00.005-05:00

I developed a bad habit the past few weeks. Something so unlike me, it actually surprised me that I was capable of it. Having recognized it, I at once decided I can no longer continue the behavior. And I also got to thinking about where it came from.
So what happened to get my panties all in a twist like this? I noticed that in a relatively short period of time there was a succession of people that I blew off. Just completely didn't follow up with on plans that were made, didnt respond to, etc.
Now in the grand scheme of things, it was maybe 4 people, none of whom I don't think would harbor any sort of resentment towards me for doing so; my sins were relatively minor. But isolating the offenses as a potential pattern made me very uncomfortable. And I think the root of the reason why is that I put a lot of effort into and take pride in being a good friend. And in that, I take making plans, investing into my relationships, and seeing my friends regularly all very seriously. Sure, everyone wants to think that they are a good friend, and really, the proof is in the pudding on that one - I am of the opinion that one must actively give of themselves in order to do so.
Others don't see friendships in the same light. This is a principle point of disagreement between T and I, in fact. And speaking generally, many people I know very much live their lives "for themselves," so canceling tentative plans because they're not up for it isn't thought about twice. In that way, most are understanding of others doing the same. But while I am forgiving of this in others (for the most part, until it becomes habitual), I am obviously not so much in myself.
So it makes me question why this started happening in the first place, and I think that I had gotten to the point that, while I was very much engaging in enjoyable activities, I wasn't giving myself enough quiet alone time (I like keeping myself busy and social, so it's not surprising to me that this happened). I reached a breaking point where my mind subconsciously forced it upon me. I think this the case because every time it happened, I wasn't off to bigger/better/cooler plans (thank god, I wouldn't be able to live with myself had that been the case - always looking for something better is a major pet peeve of mine). I just spent time tidying up, doing errands, reading, etc. I had somehow fallen off kilter with my home front, and this was my way of regaining some stability.
Now I feel back in my groove, my to do list is much shorter (although I have been putting off switching my blackberry over to the new one for at least a month, dammit!), I'm back into a routine, and I've forgiven myself for my lull in friendship manners. Reflecting on it has renewed my commitment to my investment into the people around me that I care about, which is something I'm happy about as well.

Oh boy...

2008-12-22T14:00:00.002-05:00

...has it been a while since my last post. In the interim I've started several, but all seemed to be lacking the gusto of full formulation. Topics I thought about ranged the gamut: the ever-present lesbian drama, why we dont listen to our friends' advice, a thanksgiving inspired nod to that which I'm thankful for, heartache, and the high expectations I have for the people I surround myself with. Clearly with the changing of the seasons I've shifted towards deep introspection. Maybe it's that winter makes me think of my grandpa (we lost him new years day of 2004), which in turn makes me think about bigger-picture reflective type things. Regardless, it's the end of December, and with Christmas bearing down, I've noticed a significant change from years past.
Which is, I'm realizing the importance of focusing on myself these upcoming weeks. My job awards me the opportunity to have quite a bit of time off, and rather than rushing around to try to see friends and family or pouring myself into a current relationship, I'm making an effort to reflect on my needs and desires for the upcoming year. Maybe it's a selfish thing to do in the season of giving, but sometimes the neccessity of things outweighs their timing.
Ms. Karen bought me a fanciful, fabulous, eccentric book about personal style which I am absolutely loving. I took a personality test that rang so true, it was spooky. I got back in touch with a tattoo artist who is really excited about some of the ideas I've had for my next large piece. I'm acutely aware of my value and what I bring to others, and my self-confidence is (surprisingly) stronger than it has been in years. I'm taking pleasure in learning more about myself, and deciding who I want to be (I am always evolving, but it's been a while since my last major overhaul - I sense one coming).
Maybe that's what this actually comes down to. I'm realizing that things have been way too stagnant for my liking for quite some time now, and I'm excited at the potential I have to change and create and enjoy everyday.
So pardon me, while I toast myself New Year's Eve. Resolutions aren't even the start of it :)

Why I can't seem to get excited about it...

2008-11-06T08:01:00.003-05:00

Barack Obama is our new president. It's monumental, and it's encouraging...right?

But as much as this election was supposed to represent change, some things remain very much the same.

As many of you know, I'm an avid reader of Pams House Blend, and the major topic these past few days has been the three same-sex marriage amendments. It is disheartening that they were voted on the way they were. There's a lot of blame being passed around as well, which is equally frustrating. The bottom line is, no matter what sectors voted more strongly against LGBT rights, the majority of people where it was in question did so.

When I think about how much I've cared for the two women whom I have loved dearly enough to allow thoughts of that sort of commitment to cross my mind, when I think about how my grandmother can be accepting of who I am and who I love, when I think about how most people dont vote against gay rights if they have a gay family member, friend, or neighbor; it becomes so hard for me to fathom what would make someone actively vote against it.

And the only thing I've stumbled upon is fear.
And that is cowardly.

I'm sorry if this post is less polished than ususal, but I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. Everyone seems so excited and optimistic, and I feel stained by a disappointment that's not being discussed.

Dont get me wrong, I am grateful that Obama won, of course. But I just can't seem to get into it :-/

using my voice

2008-10-24T14:52:00.004-04:00

Dear Mom and Dad,

You know that talking politics isn't something I normally do (I leave that to Kristi), despite very much being the independent and opinionated woman you raised me to be. I think someone’s politics are and should be deeply personal, and believe that as long as you are informed (Mom, this is why I took issue with you saying that you weren’t sure if you would vote for Barak Obama because you were worried about terrorism – this is not an informed concern, it is a conservative scare tactic.) (Dad, if that just upset you, it shouldn’t. My point is that I have no problem if you lean right fiscally or socially, and vote accordingly, as long as your reasons for doing so are legitimate – I would hope you would say the same thing about me leaning left), your vote should be based on the things you care about. This is why I am writing, to mention something that is deeply personal to me, that I care about and I would hope as my parents you would too.

You also know that I tend not to talk about my sexuality to either of you, as I acknowledge there is still some discomfort there on both your parts (which is not to say I am not thankful for the gains in acceptance you have made). But when my sexuality (inappropriately) is a political issue, I do feel compelled to at least make my voice heard to those who surround me. I personally do not think same-sex marriage should even BE a political issue, especially one that gains as much attention as it does. Further, I’m hesitant about marriage as an institution in general, it is founded upon archaic notions of ownership of women, and it has devolved to practical near-meaninglessness at this point, given the divorce rates. But working within the system I’m presented with, being legally married confers more than 1,400 legal rights to a couple.

If I find someone I deem important and worthy enough to share my life with me, that person will be a woman. Will that make my love for and the relationship with that person any different than that which Jen and Billy or Jill and Laif just celebrated? I can confidently say that it won’t in my heart. But my being able to have that celebration for myself is under question, with a possibility of being banned, simply because of who I love.

My presidential vote will not be made on the basis of my opinion on same-sex marriage (although I do find it deeply troubling that Sarah Palin supports a Federal Marriage Amendment), and I don’t think yours should be either. But Connecticut’s Question 1 is very much about same-sex marriage. Connecticut recently legalized same-sex marriage. Yet, spearheaded by The Family Institute of CT, Question 1 seeks to hold a constitutional convention which, among other things, would have intent to overturn the courts decision. There are several steps in the process before the public would actually get to vote on whether to take away same-sex marriage rights in CT, but voting No to Question 1 would help to ensure that this wasn’t even an issue. I am not sure whether/how you plan to vote on this, but I implore you to vote No on Question 1. I would also ask that you encourage others to do the same. You raised me to treat others with kindness, and be accepting of everyone (maybe even more so than you intended!); please extend the same acceptance to me and the wonderful men and women like me who simply want to love and acknowledge their partners. Please vote No to Question 1.

Forever yours,
Becky

Fairing

2008-09-30T09:33:00.007-04:00

There are few things more endearing than someone you love being truly excited about something. Particularly if it's something you can share with them somehow. Catching your girlfriend touching the necklace you bought her, or seeing your sister smile as she takes the first bite of the cupcakes she asked for, is really nice (and yes, it took me a while to settle on the word nice).

Seeing someone be genuinely excited is like a special glimpse into their psyche, I think. We're adults, and excitement is something usually reserved for children. We are too jaded to experience wonder and awe. Our excitement is supposed to be contained.

And yet, in relationships, many people want someone who they can "be silly with." My lesbian association here brings me to Ani's "two little girls." I've always felt that when I am happiest with a woman, it has been when we exemplified this: two LITTLE girls. Playing and being silly and acting cute.

Does this mean we are conforming to societal mandates that sexualize young girls, or encourage women to 'dumb themselves down'? I dont think so. I think it has more to do with resisting heteronormative expectations by pairing with a woman, and in sharing that resistance with her, feeling safe within that bond to be free to regress a bit. It's in our own space, on our own terms.

Particularly with the women I am attracted to, the responsible, grounded type, it's such a treat to catch those glimpses of child-like excitement. With T, there are two things in particular I think of: magic snow and the Topsfield Fair. Magic snow is a phenomonon I would not do justice to describe, so you can ask her about it if you care to. And the Topsfield Fair? Well that's one part oversized vegetables, three parts delicious food, two parts adorable bright-eyed and bushy tailed bunnies, one part racing pigs, plus a dash of much, much more. I love sharing the Topsfield Fair with T, because it's an important tradition to her, and her excitement is palpable and honest. And guess what? It starts this weekend!

I adore fairs in general. I grew up in Oxford, CT, which has a strong agricultural history, and those roots shine through in me when it comes to things like this. My family used to go the Big E every year. Plus, I love the fall (I will try to write a post without making that statement at some point), so the wood and comforting spices and harvest-bounty and earth and crispness of the air put me in great spirits. I myself am plenty excited to go to the Topsfield Fair, even if I dont get to witness T experiencing it (somebody doesnt know if I'm deserving to go with her, haha). I think I would also like to maybe check out King Richard's Faire too. So now all I need is a few lovely ladies to share in the excitement with me. Who's in?

35 Days...

2008-09-26T09:05:00.004-04:00

The countdown has officially begun. I might have mentioned previously my affinity for fall. To be honest, it's actually more like a full-on obsession. And I just realized that halloween/my birthday is exactly 5 weeks away! "omigoodness!"
So of course I'm thinking about costumes, because I am and always have been a HUGE fan of dressing up. I've already seen mention of anticipation of a million Sarah Palins and Jokers, and of course the slutty *insert profession here*s.
I really want to be a super-villain (I've had a thing about super-heroes this past year), and Harley Quinn is starting to grow on me. I was thinking I could do a 'realistic' (ie - no spandex), relevant pairing for our now beloved Dark Knight's Johnny Rotten-esque Joker. I think it would provide opportunity for great fodder with the previously mentioned abundance of Jokers. Ideas for how this would translate into a functional costume are very welcome!!
And of course I'm open to other suggestions :)

The Comfort of Objects

2008-09-23T20:46:00.008-04:00

When I am angry or upset, I vent (a lot) to others. But when I am sad, like many people, I become introverted. I regress in a way, at least in terms of the things I'm drawn to. It's very apparent to me that I am comforted by dependability, which is interesting in that, while it's a quality I am very much attracted to (I think I'm seeking balance), it isnt one I would immediately assign to myself.

Comfort Clothes:
T knew I was a bit down, so she brought me her long sleeve high school t-shirt that I told her I had been thinking about a day or two before.
Me: this shirt is nice
T: is it making you happy?
Me: comforted
T: good. that's what i hoped
Me: :-)
In thinking about the clothing that can be found in my closet and drawers, there is a stark disparity between old and new. What immediately comes to mind are the items that i've purchased within the past year or so, and there is a general feeling of excitement around them ("I am a material girl" much?). But it is the others that are more constant, that hold special meaning. The t-shirts acquired (stolen? never!) from friends and lovers. The favorite jeans. These things have memories, they are soft and worn and familiar, and we all have them. I admittedly have an affinity for clothing shopping, but when it comes down to it, the clothing that is most valuable to me are the things I wear to bed.

Comfort Foods:
I could eat soup every day. And now that it is officially fall, I have no qualms about doing so. Soup has always made me think of my grandmother (perhaps because, for several years of my life, she made me chicken soup to bring to school in my thermos every day). T used to spend hours making soup, too, only to barely eat one bowl of it - I would down the rest of it for every meal in the days after. Comfort food has gotten me into trouble before (30 lbs of trouble!) but there's a reason it's called that - it's so damn good. And of the comfort foods I could choose, I feel like soup is a pretty good one overall (unless it comes from a can. yuck.).

Comfort Music:
It's funny how music I typically think of myself as being "over" - because I'm so forward-thinking, hip, and judgemental in that way (wait a minute, I live in Brighton, not Allston) - namely DMB and Ani, are the first things I turn to when I'm in a funk. I think it has a lot to do with how moved I was when I discovered those artists (because when you're 14, discovering music is like discovering your true self, and Dave and Ani totally spoke to me).
Which is not to say that I dont still have a ton of respect for Ani, I think she's done wonders for maintaining awareness about feminist issues, and I even wrote a paper about her in college (yes, I was that lesbian), but she's not on my daily shuffle. And yet, there's nothing I listen to more than "anyday" and "she says" when I'm upset - and I've got the iTunes times-played counter thingy to prove it.

I dont really like making the association between favorite/comfort objects and sadness, but in writing this, I've realized that's exactly what I've done. Although, I think that maybe I just notice it more when I am sad, because when things are going good, they're a given. In any case, whether or not it comes off as shallow, I am happy to continue taking comfort in objects :)

SNL, part deux

2008-09-22T12:57:00.004-04:00

Like most sequels, Saturday's SNL opening sketch wasn't quite up to par with the amazing-ness that is the Tina Fey/Amy Pohler Palin/Clinton sketch from last week, but still brought me chuckles galore. Peep it here:
I approve this parody

Behind the Counter

2008-09-22T08:58:00.005-04:00

Twice in three days I've had my once-or-twice punched coffee frequent-buyer card completely finished by the counter-person. An extra punch here and there isn't necessarily remarkable, but the exaggerated finishing of the card twice in such close time proximity got me thinking. I remember talking to Chris about this very thing last November, it even worked itself into some of her wordplay: "the double punch of your dunkin donuts cards by the wage-worker...the world will listen to the tiny acts of subversion we call the individual."
But to me, the act is more motivated by kindness than subversion, or even the most simple interpretation - the desire to be tipped. The guy at DD already had his tip from me, and Carole at Java City knows that I'll tip her whether or not she punches my card. Maybe it's my idealism, but I'd much rather think that the gesture was a result of a cordial interaction or positive rapport than a resentful desire to stick it to the man (not that man-sticking isn't also a great motivation in the right circumstances).
When I think about it, I do subscribe to the concept of 'paying it forward', and those LibertyMutual 'responsibility, what's your policy' commercials strike a chord with me. I guess I'm a 'kill them with kindness' kinda gal. I'm sure having my own experiences behind the counter, working in the service industry, made me that way. Yet it's a little strange, or at least surprising, to think of myself as optimistic overall, because I generally find pessimism and its sister sarcasm attractive qualities - my thought process being that their presence often speak to intelligence.
Yet, a negative outlook as the intelligent choice seems to contradict what I've personally found in practice: that flashing a smile notoriously gets me much further than not (a lesson my mother has yet to learn - she is THAT woman in front of you in line).
It's Monday. The weather could easily get me down, if not the news, the economy, my personal problems, or lack of sleep. But the simple choice to remain positive is allowing me to enjoy today. I have a thousand opportunities to smile and be kind to others right now, and I'm going to try to take advantage of them. As Charles Reade said "Beauty is power; a smile is its sword."

friday nonsense

2008-09-19T15:06:00.002-04:00

So, apparently Jackie thinks I have nothing better to do at work than fill out chain surveys. Well guess what, Jackie: you're right, and I'll prove it to you...

A) Four places that I go to over and over:
Robeks - I'm a smoothie whore
DD - i run on it (that's right, folks, I'm back in a 'i drink coffee all the time' phase, if you couldn't tell)
Work - thus this right here
and, i go to Sleep - almost daily
(and i'd like to add a moment of silence for the gym - I've been banned)

B) Four people who email me regularly:
My mom - complete with emoticons :) :) :)
Chris - o.g.
Val - I'm surprised i still like her, considering she doesn't have gmail/gchat
Stacey - but only when it's something super dramatic... like, um, every minute of either of our lives.

C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
Home - Meg likes cooking almost as much as i like baking
Connecticut - T can attest to the amazingness that is little pastas & daddy's ribs
Everywhere, when it's Restaurant Week
In between... okay, okay, I'll keep it clean, n/m. ;) (whaaaat, you knew I was gonna make an overt sexual reference SOMEWHERE)

D) Four places I would rather be right now:
Dancing (ie, fast-forward this day a few hours)
Pumpkin-picking (ie, fast-forward this season a few weeks)
NYC (um, always)
Vegas, baby (I'm fixated)

E) Four people I think will respond:
No one, because I'm the only one (besides Jackie) who does shit like this. I'm not holding out any hope for any of you.

F) Four TV shows I watch:
House
Fringe
90210- Not really. Okay, really. I don't know why. Shuttup. It's not awful.
That's it right now, I need 30rock and the office back.

YAY! Wasn't that fun!?

Fall and Friends

2008-09-19T08:41:00.002-04:00

This morning my boss forwarded me an email from her husband that had both of us choking up. Bruce, her hubby, is definitely what one would term a “man’s man.” He’s a fantastic all-around guy, who also apparently sends out a quote w/ comments to people he’s close to every Friday:

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately, without growing apart” Elisabeth Foley

This morning as I was pulling into the parking lot, I noticed this elderly man walking through the lot heading into the field next to my office for a walk with his dog. I have seen this man before this, usually on Friday mornings walking through the cemetery near the campus. As I was getting out of my truck, I said good morning to him. With an enthusiastic tone he replied, “yes, it is a wonderful morning isn’t it!” You all know me by now and how I love to talk to people so I took this as my opportunity J. So I said, “sir, I’ve noticed you walking through the cemetery on Friday mornings before. Can I ask why only on Friday’s?” "Sure" he said, as if he had something to tell me. "I come here every Friday to visit my wife up on the hill, then I come down here to visit my life-long buddy. We were in three wars together you know." So now I’m chocking back the tears and have a lump in my throat the size of a baseball. We talked for about ten minutes and I asked him what advice he would give to younger folks as we grow older. "Well, Bruce, (we exchanged names…his name is John) we don't always have control over our health, or even our wealth. But we have control of keeping in touch with our friends. So, I would have to say, stay in touch. Whether you're sick or poor, healthy or wealthy, you can always stay in touch." I thanked him and we shook hands and wished each other a good day.

Don’t let life get in the way. Remember, friendship isn’t one big thing…it’s a million little things.

Until next week…

L…L…L

Bruce

Fall is my favorite season, and to me, it comes with a sense of renewal (must have something to do with school starting – I wear my nerdiness as a badge of honor, thank you!). Perhaps the energizing change of season has had an effect on my interpersonal relations, because I’ve definitely felt compelled to reach out and reconnect with the people around me who may have gotten lost during the summer (summer is a selfish time, I’m fairly certain). So this email came at just the right time. Fate has a funny way of doing that to us, doesn’t it? :-)

XoX

Bex

Why do straight men need my validation?

2008-09-18T09:07:00.002-04:00

I've been picking up on a trend. Men ask me what I think of the woman their interested in-- it's becoming a frequent occurance. The implication being that they're asking because I'm a gay.
Take this interaction:
While waiting in line for Pure, the guy behind me says "she's hot, right?" - talking about one of the girls he has arrived with. I say, somewhat dismissively, "yea, sure." He asks again "don't you think she's hot?" and I reply that she is, indeed, "hot". His response-- a big reveal: "That's my wife!"
Okay, way to go buddy. Do you want a cookie?
Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'm not around guys enough to know that this is actually the way they talk to each other, and approval is more important than whether guy-in-question is attracted to girl-in-question. Maybe the guy in line just wanted me to join them for a threesome (because, isn't that every lesbian's ultimate goal? to have sex with straight couples? I know it's mine...).
It just seems strange to me. Although maybe it's a sign that the lesbian perspective is becoming more respected, and I should be happy. Thoughts?

I'm obsessed with Sarah Palin

2008-09-17T18:02:00.006-04:00

I really am. It's getting to be a bit ridiculous. I read everything that has her name on it, and each time get more and more angry. That people are responding positively to this woman is beyond me. I really don't understand the middle.
Two very big positives have come from it, however: 1) I've become re-energized about what is, from my perspective, a rather discouraging election. 2) I've been given yet another reason to be in love with some of my favorite celebs: Tina Fey, Gina Gershon, P!nk, and Lindsay and Sam (oh please, admit you like them too, I wont tell). It's also given me a reason to absolutely SWOON over Gloria Steinem, and the way I see it, there is nothing wrong with that!

Yes, I think that highly of myself...

2008-09-17T08:57:00.003-04:00

So I decided to start a blog. Mostly because I've recently felt the need to share quite a few websites/musings/ideas/what-have-you with whomever I think would be willing to listen, and have found the typical friend-network sites (oh facebook & myspace, I love you dearly) to not be a proper forum for such things. And because I think that said things are important enough that you would want to read them (doesn't everyone?). For now, I think I'll just post whatever up here, until I iscolate what I'll focus on. So, welcome :)
xoxo
Bex