Introspective Explosion

The fates aligned yesterday, as Jacquie was drunkenly berating me (in the most loving way possible) about being myself, as I am "a smart, attractive girl;" and heather was supporting her, saying, essentially "smart indeed, read her blog" - their power combined (like earth, wind & fire...and water...and heart!), resulting in the inspiration for a blog post (not quite as cool as captain planet, but hopefully an interesting enough read).

The requisite apologies for it having been so damn long since i've written (although I think this apology is actually mostly intended for me, as the guilt trips I give myself for not writing are completely self-contained).

And a further caveat that this post is quite long and pretty personal, so if you're not ALL that interested in my inner tickings, it may be one to skip.

So, as I said before I digressed, last night Jacquie became the last in a long line of people who I care deeply about to urge (beg!) me to show more of my true self when I'm in public, as I currently do myself a disservice.

What's this? There's more to me than T&A!, labels!, dancing!, partying!, sex!?? Blasphemy.

Anyone who reads this knows that I can be rather introspective, and I am relatively self aware. Further, anyone who reads this has also probably already been exposed to the other (intelligent, caring, subdued) side of me, and has most likely wondered why I wouldnt, if not outright stated (insisted!) I should show more of that person when I'm out and about. If you have not, I guess this is a pretty good preview, no? I've done my share of analyzing the purpose my "good times" persona plays in my life, what it developed out of, and why I still cling to it, and best i can tell, it goes a little something like this...

It's hard to express this without sounding like an overconfident bitch - which I assure you, I am not- but I do recognize that I have a lot going on for me; I am rather intelligent, I am relatively attractive, I am good with people, I am caring and nurturing by nature, things do come pretty easy to me; in fact, my sister's famous line is that I "got all the good genes." Further, I have always had the absolute support of my family (including said sister), who have every confidence that I will be successful at any endeavor, and will be able to handle anything thrown my way. But there are three other factors that come in to play.

The first is that for as long as I can remember, I have received what I can only conclude is an inordinate level of response to my appearance. This was only amplified by puberty when suddenly 'coke bottle' meant something more regarding my shape than the 200 calories of liquid it contained. And I've got that inherent scorpio sensuality. At this point I can time the commenting whenever I walk by any given two adult males: five steps from them they notice, first step by and they are surprised when they see my ass, three more steps and I can hear the faint "damn! did you.." It's not to say that I dont appreciate the attention on some level, and it certainly has provided a good deal of entertainment ("I would wash dishes on that thing!" and "I'm not supposed to talk to women, but I've been a lot of places, I've been to Mohegan Sun, and you are one of the most attractive women I've ever seen" are two of my recent favorites), but for the most part, I tend to block it out... I'm rather flirtatious, but often I have no idea that someone is hitting on me. And someone looking at me doesn't even register to me; it has to be pointed out by the people I'm with.

The second is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm a very friendly person by nature (I'd like to think that my friendliness is a major reason people respond to what they read as the 'attractiveness' i just discussed). I'm happy, emotional and I like interacting with people. I pride myself on being open and forthcoming. Anyone who gets to know me, particularly potential romantic partners, very quickly and easily pick up on a variety of what are apparently my trademark expressions, and can therefore have a very good idea of what I'm thinking at any given point. The culmination of which is that I realize this leaves me somewhat vulnerable.

And the third, maybe the most influential, factor was my somewhat convoluted process for coming to terms with being gay (aw, shit, she's playing the gay card). I knew I was attracted to women by the time I was 13, and probably more relevant was the fact that I knew I was not remotely attracted to men. I repressed the idea of being gay, chalked my thoughts up to being 'natural for teens,' but even then, I'm pretty sure I was the ONLY girl in 7th and 8th grade who didnt have a boyfriend (and in fact I've never had a boyfriend). I've recognized now that, subconsciously, seeing that I was missing the connection that other people had made me search for it, and the way I did so once I got to college was through sex. I certainly didn't act in the best interest of my health or safety, and I allowed myself to be subject to some rather unfortunate circumstances as a result.

[As a warning, the next few paragraphs might be sensitive for some]

The first time I had sex was one of the first times I was blackout drunk at college. One of the guys from Navy saw that and attached himself to my hip. I didnt even know his name.

I went to a party freshman year and had one beer, that was handed to me. The next thing I remember is coming to on a bed with a guy on top of me, telling me he was going to go get a condom. I woke up the next morning.

Right before sophomore year, we were partying with our volunteer group in the dorms. One by one people left the room, until it was just me and this random guy. He kissed me and before I knew it he was on top of me. I told him we couldnt, that I had my period, but that didnt matter. Then he started asking me if he could 'put it in my ass' and i told him no again and again... but he did it anyway.

When I was in the Bahamas for spring break sophomore year, I got separated from my friends. So I was with this brother and sister, and we were fine, but then it got late. They had to go somewhere different than me, so a local taxi driver offered to bring me home. I had no other way of getting back, so in the middle of the night I got into a car that could have taken me literally anywhere. I sat in the back seat looking out the window, crying, terrified, wondering if I would make it back to the hotel, while the driver's friend took my hand in his and forced me to give him a hand job.

[end of 'yucky negative experiences with men']

I feel like I need to take a moment to clarify here that these are all experiences that have had an effect on me, but I also very much feel that they are things that are in my past, I do not use them as a crutch, I do not view myself as a victim, and through sharing them with other women they've actually served as a point of connection and bonding. Most importantly, I am not gay because of them, in fact, if anything, the way I view it is being gay and repressing that led me to subject myself to dangerous situations from which these unfortunate experiences arose. In all, I have a pretty good handle on them.

So where was I? Ah yes, so once I was able to come to terms with being gay (brought on by falling for a truly amazing woman who brought me the connection i was seeking as well as security), I was a much happier, healthier individual. But my views on sex have always been a little divergent from main stream. I dont count partners, because the lines are so blurry between what was consensual and what wasn't and what really counts as sex amongst lesbians? and if it was one way- she only fucked me- does that count? but i'm pretty femme maybe she only WANTS to fuck me, and hey! but what if it was only for a minute? I mean I came, sure, but I come so quickly is that really the measure? and, and, and....bottom line: can we say gray areas? Further, I categorize sex, there's fun/meaningless sex (which I think as a means of self protection I've made it that I MUST be alright with) and there's intimate sex, and I am fully capable of both but view them very differently.

At this point I'm sure you're thinking, goddamn, becky, where the hell is this all going... but I promise it's all relevant. Here I am, this -let's recap- attractive, friendly, overtly flirtatious lesbian, who is more okay with "hooking up" - or even just talking sex - than your average gal. There's a preconceived notion about me before I even open my mouth. And so in part taking from the idea that an insult wont hurt if I say it first, and in part recognizing the vulnerability of putting myself out there wholeheartedly (which it's difficult for me NOT to do), I've developed this somewhat over-the-top persona for when I'm in larger settings and social situations with people I dont know so well. It's a defense mechanism, it's a way of protecting myself. I know it is inherently flawed and does indeed to a disservice to the amazing person that I am when you get to know me one-on-one. But the reason I maintain it is because I like the security it brings, and I also kind of like the notion that only the "special" people who take the time to get to know me get to see my best aspects. Further, it's not that i dont have fun bopping around and interacting with people on a surface level in the social scene, and to me it's really that, a means of having fun, not a telling of who I am.

I understand that most of you hate it, that people who know me know it reads as fake, and that I'm so much better than the girl I am when you meet me at a bar. But I think I'm okay with that, because for the most part I'm not in the hyper-social situations, and the people I care about know me well enough to know me beyond that persona. It is just one aspect of me, just like my professional work persona is another side of me that only comes out when I'm at work. I also think it's been slowly toning down, as I've become more comfortable with this new crowd of friends in general....

And maybe I'm making this into much more of an issue than it actually is (we lesbians do love to process the hell out of a subject). Quite possible.

But all I can say for now is, Jacquie, I promise I'll at least spit out the gum ;)