Cuppies!!

Were I to take cupcake-making more seriously (professionally of some sort, perhaps?), I would likely think of these as my "standard" creations:

FANCY (these generally look very clean and purdy):

carrot cake with golden raisins and walnuts, cream cheese frosting, walnut garnish

red velvet, cream cheese frosting, cherry garnish

vanilla bean cake, kahlua filling, coffee frosting

graham cracker cake, banana pudding, chocolate frosting, crushed graham cracker garnish

chocolate cake, peanut butter filling, peanut butter frosting, 1/2 reese's pb cup garnish

buttermilk yellow cake, strawberry filling, butter cream frosting, strawberry garnish

lemon cake, raspberry filling, cream cheese frosting, raspberry and mint leaf garnish


SIMPLE (these are good for playing with decorations):

white cake, butter cream frosting, w or w/o coconut

white cake, chocolate frosting, sprinkles

chocolate cake, chocolate cherry mousse as frosting, cherry garnish

chocolate cake, marshmallow frosting, fresh flower garnish

white cake with sprinkles (funfetti-esque), marshmallow frosting,
jelly bean garnish

Of course, half the fun is coming up with new combinations, and catering to what people want/ask for. If nothing else, it can help all you indecisive fools get a better idea of what exactly you're asking for when you tell me you want my cuppies ;)

Life, Rebooted

Hello again, silly little blog. I've missed you. It's been a while since I've contributed a self-indulgent offering to the blogosphere. We have a lot to catch up on! Grab some coffee, let's chat a bit...

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Where to even begin? I fell in love. I lost that love. I lost my job. I had a phenomenal summer of funemployment. I applied to and got accepted to grad school (double eagle, as they say). I moved. Practically every aspect of my life has changed in some fashion. And like a Big Mac, I'm lovin' it (Note: I would not actually love a Big Mac, too many condiments).

I'm currently in a state of transition, having not completely settled into the new apartment yet, nor having worked out just what I'll be doing for an internship/work. But I'm already getting busier, and we all know I thrive when I'm busy. Which is not to say all those days at the park this summer weren't absolutely fabulous, having no responsibilities and lots of sunshine did wonders for me (and may have contributed to inevitable future skin damage, but damnit, my tan looked good). But as the weather starts to develop that crisp bite of autumn, my not-so-secret inner goodie-school-nerd is jumping up and down at the smell of new notebooks.

Actually, all of me has been jumping up and down lately. As one bestie said "it's good to see happy, smiling becky again." I guess I hadn't realized she had gone anywhere, but I certainly notice she's back. Maybe things had just been too stagnant for too long...

Not the case anymore, dear blog. Not at all. It's like I've hit a reset button. With all these changes has of course come some perspective, and what has become most conscious to me is the big birthday I have coming up (okay, I know most of the people who read this are my friends, and are probably shuddering at 25 being a big birthday to me, because I'm a baby to you all, but it's a big deal to me!). For a while I've been thinking that 25 will mean responsibility. But if I'm honest with myself, I am as responsible as I need to be to get by, and my tendency towards spontaneity/flightiness is part of my charm, if not a marker of who I am. While my breasts hang like a woman's now (requisite ani quote, check!), I am no less who I have always been, and what I think is most important for this birthday is actively enjoying everything and everyone I have around me, and all the opportunities I've had and continue to have. I think it's important to push and challenge myself, have new experiences, and do things that I'm not necessarily good at (one of the major reasons I've decided to play football this season - but don't worry, as Sarah is quick to point out, I wear hot pink short-shorts to practice. To thine own self...)

Yesterday, in my first graduate class, we performed the typical "introduce your partner" icebreaker. At the end of class, I thanked Christine for the introduction, and she said something along the lines of "you've lived an awesome life." I did a double-take. What? Me? Sure I think I have an awesome life, but I'd imagine it seems fairly average from the outside (hell, she didn't even know I fuck women - now that's awesome). Yes, things do have a way of working out for me. Yes, I receive an inordinate amount of compliments from strangers. Yes, my powers of persuasion are stronger than most. And I may have lived an awesome life thus far, but i am quite certain there is a great deal more awesome to come.

So that's where I'm at, bloggy. Hopefully you'll see a whole lot more of me following this rebooting of my life, and (speaking of tech) now that I have a handy dandy functioning laptop! I have no excuse. Love and cupcakes.

Introspective Explosion

The fates aligned yesterday, as Jacquie was drunkenly berating me (in the most loving way possible) about being myself, as I am "a smart, attractive girl;" and heather was supporting her, saying, essentially "smart indeed, read her blog" - their power combined (like earth, wind & fire...and water...and heart!), resulting in the inspiration for a blog post (not quite as cool as captain planet, but hopefully an interesting enough read).

The requisite apologies for it having been so damn long since i've written (although I think this apology is actually mostly intended for me, as the guilt trips I give myself for not writing are completely self-contained).

And a further caveat that this post is quite long and pretty personal, so if you're not ALL that interested in my inner tickings, it may be one to skip.

So, as I said before I digressed, last night Jacquie became the last in a long line of people who I care deeply about to urge (beg!) me to show more of my true self when I'm in public, as I currently do myself a disservice.

What's this? There's more to me than T&A!, labels!, dancing!, partying!, sex!?? Blasphemy.

Anyone who reads this knows that I can be rather introspective, and I am relatively self aware. Further, anyone who reads this has also probably already been exposed to the other (intelligent, caring, subdued) side of me, and has most likely wondered why I wouldnt, if not outright stated (insisted!) I should show more of that person when I'm out and about. If you have not, I guess this is a pretty good preview, no? I've done my share of analyzing the purpose my "good times" persona plays in my life, what it developed out of, and why I still cling to it, and best i can tell, it goes a little something like this...

It's hard to express this without sounding like an overconfident bitch - which I assure you, I am not- but I do recognize that I have a lot going on for me; I am rather intelligent, I am relatively attractive, I am good with people, I am caring and nurturing by nature, things do come pretty easy to me; in fact, my sister's famous line is that I "got all the good genes." Further, I have always had the absolute support of my family (including said sister), who have every confidence that I will be successful at any endeavor, and will be able to handle anything thrown my way. But there are three other factors that come in to play.

The first is that for as long as I can remember, I have received what I can only conclude is an inordinate level of response to my appearance. This was only amplified by puberty when suddenly 'coke bottle' meant something more regarding my shape than the 200 calories of liquid it contained. And I've got that inherent scorpio sensuality. At this point I can time the commenting whenever I walk by any given two adult males: five steps from them they notice, first step by and they are surprised when they see my ass, three more steps and I can hear the faint "damn! did you.." It's not to say that I dont appreciate the attention on some level, and it certainly has provided a good deal of entertainment ("I would wash dishes on that thing!" and "I'm not supposed to talk to women, but I've been a lot of places, I've been to Mohegan Sun, and you are one of the most attractive women I've ever seen" are two of my recent favorites), but for the most part, I tend to block it out... I'm rather flirtatious, but often I have no idea that someone is hitting on me. And someone looking at me doesn't even register to me; it has to be pointed out by the people I'm with.

The second is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm a very friendly person by nature (I'd like to think that my friendliness is a major reason people respond to what they read as the 'attractiveness' i just discussed). I'm happy, emotional and I like interacting with people. I pride myself on being open and forthcoming. Anyone who gets to know me, particularly potential romantic partners, very quickly and easily pick up on a variety of what are apparently my trademark expressions, and can therefore have a very good idea of what I'm thinking at any given point. The culmination of which is that I realize this leaves me somewhat vulnerable.

And the third, maybe the most influential, factor was my somewhat convoluted process for coming to terms with being gay (aw, shit, she's playing the gay card). I knew I was attracted to women by the time I was 13, and probably more relevant was the fact that I knew I was not remotely attracted to men. I repressed the idea of being gay, chalked my thoughts up to being 'natural for teens,' but even then, I'm pretty sure I was the ONLY girl in 7th and 8th grade who didnt have a boyfriend (and in fact I've never had a boyfriend). I've recognized now that, subconsciously, seeing that I was missing the connection that other people had made me search for it, and the way I did so once I got to college was through sex. I certainly didn't act in the best interest of my health or safety, and I allowed myself to be subject to some rather unfortunate circumstances as a result.

[As a warning, the next few paragraphs might be sensitive for some]

The first time I had sex was one of the first times I was blackout drunk at college. One of the guys from Navy saw that and attached himself to my hip. I didnt even know his name.

I went to a party freshman year and had one beer, that was handed to me. The next thing I remember is coming to on a bed with a guy on top of me, telling me he was going to go get a condom. I woke up the next morning.

Right before sophomore year, we were partying with our volunteer group in the dorms. One by one people left the room, until it was just me and this random guy. He kissed me and before I knew it he was on top of me. I told him we couldnt, that I had my period, but that didnt matter. Then he started asking me if he could 'put it in my ass' and i told him no again and again... but he did it anyway.

When I was in the Bahamas for spring break sophomore year, I got separated from my friends. So I was with this brother and sister, and we were fine, but then it got late. They had to go somewhere different than me, so a local taxi driver offered to bring me home. I had no other way of getting back, so in the middle of the night I got into a car that could have taken me literally anywhere. I sat in the back seat looking out the window, crying, terrified, wondering if I would make it back to the hotel, while the driver's friend took my hand in his and forced me to give him a hand job.

[end of 'yucky negative experiences with men']

I feel like I need to take a moment to clarify here that these are all experiences that have had an effect on me, but I also very much feel that they are things that are in my past, I do not use them as a crutch, I do not view myself as a victim, and through sharing them with other women they've actually served as a point of connection and bonding. Most importantly, I am not gay because of them, in fact, if anything, the way I view it is being gay and repressing that led me to subject myself to dangerous situations from which these unfortunate experiences arose. In all, I have a pretty good handle on them.

So where was I? Ah yes, so once I was able to come to terms with being gay (brought on by falling for a truly amazing woman who brought me the connection i was seeking as well as security), I was a much happier, healthier individual. But my views on sex have always been a little divergent from main stream. I dont count partners, because the lines are so blurry between what was consensual and what wasn't and what really counts as sex amongst lesbians? and if it was one way- she only fucked me- does that count? but i'm pretty femme maybe she only WANTS to fuck me, and hey! but what if it was only for a minute? I mean I came, sure, but I come so quickly is that really the measure? and, and, and....bottom line: can we say gray areas? Further, I categorize sex, there's fun/meaningless sex (which I think as a means of self protection I've made it that I MUST be alright with) and there's intimate sex, and I am fully capable of both but view them very differently.

At this point I'm sure you're thinking, goddamn, becky, where the hell is this all going... but I promise it's all relevant. Here I am, this -let's recap- attractive, friendly, overtly flirtatious lesbian, who is more okay with "hooking up" - or even just talking sex - than your average gal. There's a preconceived notion about me before I even open my mouth. And so in part taking from the idea that an insult wont hurt if I say it first, and in part recognizing the vulnerability of putting myself out there wholeheartedly (which it's difficult for me NOT to do), I've developed this somewhat over-the-top persona for when I'm in larger settings and social situations with people I dont know so well. It's a defense mechanism, it's a way of protecting myself. I know it is inherently flawed and does indeed to a disservice to the amazing person that I am when you get to know me one-on-one. But the reason I maintain it is because I like the security it brings, and I also kind of like the notion that only the "special" people who take the time to get to know me get to see my best aspects. Further, it's not that i dont have fun bopping around and interacting with people on a surface level in the social scene, and to me it's really that, a means of having fun, not a telling of who I am.

I understand that most of you hate it, that people who know me know it reads as fake, and that I'm so much better than the girl I am when you meet me at a bar. But I think I'm okay with that, because for the most part I'm not in the hyper-social situations, and the people I care about know me well enough to know me beyond that persona. It is just one aspect of me, just like my professional work persona is another side of me that only comes out when I'm at work. I also think it's been slowly toning down, as I've become more comfortable with this new crowd of friends in general....

And maybe I'm making this into much more of an issue than it actually is (we lesbians do love to process the hell out of a subject). Quite possible.

But all I can say for now is, Jacquie, I promise I'll at least spit out the gum ;)

Bad Habit

I developed a bad habit the past few weeks. Something so unlike me, it actually surprised me that I was capable of it. Having recognized it, I at once decided I can no longer continue the behavior. And I also got to thinking about where it came from.
So what happened to get my panties all in a twist like this? I noticed that in a relatively short period of time there was a succession of people that I blew off. Just completely didn't follow up with on plans that were made, didnt respond to, etc.
Now in the grand scheme of things, it was maybe 4 people, none of whom I don't think would harbor any sort of resentment towards me for doing so; my sins were relatively minor. But isolating the offenses as a potential pattern made me very uncomfortable. And I think the root of the reason why is that I put a lot of effort into and take pride in being a good friend. And in that, I take making plans, investing into my relationships, and seeing my friends regularly all very seriously. Sure, everyone wants to think that they are a good friend, and really, the proof is in the pudding on that one - I am of the opinion that one must actively give of themselves in order to do so.
Others don't see friendships in the same light. This is a principle point of disagreement between T and I, in fact. And speaking generally, many people I know very much live their lives "for themselves," so canceling tentative plans because they're not up for it isn't thought about twice. In that way, most are understanding of others doing the same. But while I am forgiving of this in others (for the most part, until it becomes habitual), I am obviously not so much in myself.
So it makes me question why this started happening in the first place, and I think that I had gotten to the point that, while I was very much engaging in enjoyable activities, I wasn't giving myself enough quiet alone time (I like keeping myself busy and social, so it's not surprising to me that this happened). I reached a breaking point where my mind subconsciously forced it upon me. I think this the case because every time it happened, I wasn't off to bigger/better/cooler plans (thank god, I wouldn't be able to live with myself had that been the case - always looking for something better is a major pet peeve of mine). I just spent time tidying up, doing errands, reading, etc. I had somehow fallen off kilter with my home front, and this was my way of regaining some stability.
Now I feel back in my groove, my to do list is much shorter (although I have been putting off switching my blackberry over to the new one for at least a month, dammit!), I'm back into a routine, and I've forgiven myself for my lull in friendship manners. Reflecting on it has renewed my commitment to my investment into the people around me that I care about, which is something I'm happy about as well.

Oh boy...

...has it been a while since my last post. In the interim I've started several, but all seemed to be lacking the gusto of full formulation. Topics I thought about ranged the gamut: the ever-present lesbian drama, why we dont listen to our friends' advice, a thanksgiving inspired nod to that which I'm thankful for, heartache, and the high expectations I have for the people I surround myself with. Clearly with the changing of the seasons I've shifted towards deep introspection. Maybe it's that winter makes me think of my grandpa (we lost him new years day of 2004), which in turn makes me think about bigger-picture reflective type things. Regardless, it's the end of December, and with Christmas bearing down, I've noticed a significant change from years past.
Which is, I'm realizing the importance of focusing on myself these upcoming weeks. My job awards me the opportunity to have quite a bit of time off, and rather than rushing around to try to see friends and family or pouring myself into a current relationship, I'm making an effort to reflect on my needs and desires for the upcoming year. Maybe it's a selfish thing to do in the season of giving, but sometimes the neccessity of things outweighs their timing.
Ms. Karen bought me a fanciful, fabulous, eccentric book about personal style which I am absolutely loving. I took a personality test that rang so true, it was spooky. I got back in touch with a tattoo artist who is really excited about some of the ideas I've had for my next large piece. I'm acutely aware of my value and what I bring to others, and my self-confidence is (surprisingly) stronger than it has been in years. I'm taking pleasure in learning more about myself, and deciding who I want to be (I am always evolving, but it's been a while since my last major overhaul - I sense one coming).
Maybe that's what this actually comes down to. I'm realizing that things have been way too stagnant for my liking for quite some time now, and I'm excited at the potential I have to change and create and enjoy everyday.
So pardon me, while I toast myself New Year's Eve. Resolutions aren't even the start of it :)

Why I can't seem to get excited about it...

Barack Obama is our new president. It's monumental, and it's encouraging...right?

But as much as this election was supposed to represent change, some things remain very much the same.

As many of you know, I'm an avid reader of Pams House Blend, and the major topic these past few days has been the three same-sex marriage amendments. It is disheartening that they were voted on the way they were. There's a lot of blame being passed around as well, which is equally frustrating. The bottom line is, no matter what sectors voted more strongly against LGBT rights, the majority of people where it was in question did so.

When I think about how much I've cared for the two women whom I have loved dearly enough to allow thoughts of that sort of commitment to cross my mind, when I think about how my grandmother can be accepting of who I am and who I love, when I think about how most people dont vote against gay rights if they have a gay family member, friend, or neighbor; it becomes so hard for me to fathom what would make someone actively vote against it.

And the only thing I've stumbled upon is fear.
And that is cowardly.

I'm sorry if this post is less polished than ususal, but I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. Everyone seems so excited and optimistic, and I feel stained by a disappointment that's not being discussed.

Dont get me wrong, I am grateful that Obama won, of course. But I just can't seem to get into it :-/

using my voice

Dear Mom and Dad,

You know that talking politics isn't something I normally do (I leave that to Kristi), despite very much being the independent and opinionated woman you raised me to be. I think someone’s politics are and should be deeply personal, and believe that as long as you are informed (Mom, this is why I took issue with you saying that you weren’t sure if you would vote for Barak Obama because you were worried about terrorism – this is not an informed concern, it is a conservative scare tactic.) (Dad, if that just upset you, it shouldn’t. My point is that I have no problem if you lean right fiscally or socially, and vote accordingly, as long as your reasons for doing so are legitimate – I would hope you would say the same thing about me leaning left), your vote should be based on the things you care about. This is why I am writing, to mention something that is deeply personal to me, that I care about and I would hope as my parents you would too.

You also know that I tend not to talk about my sexuality to either of you, as I acknowledge there is still some discomfort there on both your parts (which is not to say I am not thankful for the gains in acceptance you have made). But when my sexuality (inappropriately) is a political issue, I do feel compelled to at least make my voice heard to those who surround me. I personally do not think same-sex marriage should even BE a political issue, especially one that gains as much attention as it does. Further, I’m hesitant about marriage as an institution in general, it is founded upon archaic notions of ownership of women, and it has devolved to practical near-meaninglessness at this point, given the divorce rates. But working within the system I’m presented with, being legally married confers more than 1,400 legal rights to a couple.

If I find someone I deem important and worthy enough to share my life with me, that person will be a woman. Will that make my love for and the relationship with that person any different than that which Jen and Billy or Jill and Laif just celebrated? I can confidently say that it won’t in my heart. But my being able to have that celebration for myself is under question, with a possibility of being banned, simply because of who I love.

My presidential vote will not be made on the basis of my opinion on same-sex marriage (although I do find it deeply troubling that Sarah Palin supports a Federal Marriage Amendment), and I don’t think yours should be either. But Connecticut’s Question 1 is very much about same-sex marriage. Connecticut recently legalized same-sex marriage. Yet, spearheaded by The Family Institute of CT, Question 1 seeks to hold a constitutional convention which, among other things, would have intent to overturn the courts decision. There are several steps in the process before the public would actually get to vote on whether to take away same-sex marriage rights in CT, but voting No to Question 1 would help to ensure that this wasn’t even an issue. I am not sure whether/how you plan to vote on this, but I implore you to vote No on Question 1. I would also ask that you encourage others to do the same. You raised me to treat others with kindness, and be accepting of everyone (maybe even more so than you intended!); please extend the same acceptance to me and the wonderful men and women like me who simply want to love and acknowledge their partners. Please vote No to Question 1.

Forever yours,
Becky