Bad Habit

I developed a bad habit the past few weeks. Something so unlike me, it actually surprised me that I was capable of it. Having recognized it, I at once decided I can no longer continue the behavior. And I also got to thinking about where it came from.
So what happened to get my panties all in a twist like this? I noticed that in a relatively short period of time there was a succession of people that I blew off. Just completely didn't follow up with on plans that were made, didnt respond to, etc.
Now in the grand scheme of things, it was maybe 4 people, none of whom I don't think would harbor any sort of resentment towards me for doing so; my sins were relatively minor. But isolating the offenses as a potential pattern made me very uncomfortable. And I think the root of the reason why is that I put a lot of effort into and take pride in being a good friend. And in that, I take making plans, investing into my relationships, and seeing my friends regularly all very seriously. Sure, everyone wants to think that they are a good friend, and really, the proof is in the pudding on that one - I am of the opinion that one must actively give of themselves in order to do so.
Others don't see friendships in the same light. This is a principle point of disagreement between T and I, in fact. And speaking generally, many people I know very much live their lives "for themselves," so canceling tentative plans because they're not up for it isn't thought about twice. In that way, most are understanding of others doing the same. But while I am forgiving of this in others (for the most part, until it becomes habitual), I am obviously not so much in myself.
So it makes me question why this started happening in the first place, and I think that I had gotten to the point that, while I was very much engaging in enjoyable activities, I wasn't giving myself enough quiet alone time (I like keeping myself busy and social, so it's not surprising to me that this happened). I reached a breaking point where my mind subconsciously forced it upon me. I think this the case because every time it happened, I wasn't off to bigger/better/cooler plans (thank god, I wouldn't be able to live with myself had that been the case - always looking for something better is a major pet peeve of mine). I just spent time tidying up, doing errands, reading, etc. I had somehow fallen off kilter with my home front, and this was my way of regaining some stability.
Now I feel back in my groove, my to do list is much shorter (although I have been putting off switching my blackberry over to the new one for at least a month, dammit!), I'm back into a routine, and I've forgiven myself for my lull in friendship manners. Reflecting on it has renewed my commitment to my investment into the people around me that I care about, which is something I'm happy about as well.

Oh boy...

...has it been a while since my last post. In the interim I've started several, but all seemed to be lacking the gusto of full formulation. Topics I thought about ranged the gamut: the ever-present lesbian drama, why we dont listen to our friends' advice, a thanksgiving inspired nod to that which I'm thankful for, heartache, and the high expectations I have for the people I surround myself with. Clearly with the changing of the seasons I've shifted towards deep introspection. Maybe it's that winter makes me think of my grandpa (we lost him new years day of 2004), which in turn makes me think about bigger-picture reflective type things. Regardless, it's the end of December, and with Christmas bearing down, I've noticed a significant change from years past.
Which is, I'm realizing the importance of focusing on myself these upcoming weeks. My job awards me the opportunity to have quite a bit of time off, and rather than rushing around to try to see friends and family or pouring myself into a current relationship, I'm making an effort to reflect on my needs and desires for the upcoming year. Maybe it's a selfish thing to do in the season of giving, but sometimes the neccessity of things outweighs their timing.
Ms. Karen bought me a fanciful, fabulous, eccentric book about personal style which I am absolutely loving. I took a personality test that rang so true, it was spooky. I got back in touch with a tattoo artist who is really excited about some of the ideas I've had for my next large piece. I'm acutely aware of my value and what I bring to others, and my self-confidence is (surprisingly) stronger than it has been in years. I'm taking pleasure in learning more about myself, and deciding who I want to be (I am always evolving, but it's been a while since my last major overhaul - I sense one coming).
Maybe that's what this actually comes down to. I'm realizing that things have been way too stagnant for my liking for quite some time now, and I'm excited at the potential I have to change and create and enjoy everyday.
So pardon me, while I toast myself New Year's Eve. Resolutions aren't even the start of it :)

The Comfort of Objects

When I am angry or upset, I vent (a lot) to others. But when I am sad, like many people, I become introverted. I regress in a way, at least in terms of the things I'm drawn to. It's very apparent to me that I am comforted by dependability, which is interesting in that, while it's a quality I am very much attracted to (I think I'm seeking balance), it isnt one I would immediately assign to myself.

Comfort Clothes:
T knew I was a bit down, so she brought me her long sleeve high school t-shirt that I told her I had been thinking about a day or two before.
Me: this shirt is nice
T: is it making you happy?
Me: comforted
T: good. that's what i hoped
Me: :-)
In thinking about the clothing that can be found in my closet and drawers, there is a stark disparity between old and new. What immediately comes to mind are the items that i've purchased within the past year or so, and there is a general feeling of excitement around them ("I am a material girl" much?). But it is the others that are more constant, that hold special meaning. The t-shirts acquired (stolen? never!) from friends and lovers. The favorite jeans. These things have memories, they are soft and worn and familiar, and we all have them. I admittedly have an affinity for clothing shopping, but when it comes down to it, the clothing that is most valuable to me are the things I wear to bed.

Comfort Foods:
I could eat soup every day. And now that it is officially fall, I have no qualms about doing so. Soup has always made me think of my grandmother (perhaps because, for several years of my life, she made me chicken soup to bring to school in my thermos every day). T used to spend hours making soup, too, only to barely eat one bowl of it - I would down the rest of it for every meal in the days after. Comfort food has gotten me into trouble before (30 lbs of trouble!) but there's a reason it's called that - it's so damn good. And of the comfort foods I could choose, I feel like soup is a pretty good one overall (unless it comes from a can. yuck.).

Comfort Music:
It's funny how music I typically think of myself as being "over" - because I'm so forward-thinking, hip, and judgemental in that way (wait a minute, I live in Brighton, not Allston) - namely DMB and Ani, are the first things I turn to when I'm in a funk. I think it has a lot to do with how moved I was when I discovered those artists (because when you're 14, discovering music is like discovering your true self, and Dave and Ani totally spoke to me).
Which is not to say that I dont still have a ton of respect for Ani, I think she's done wonders for maintaining awareness about feminist issues, and I even wrote a paper about her in college (yes, I was that lesbian), but she's not on my daily shuffle. And yet, there's nothing I listen to more than "anyday" and "she says" when I'm upset - and I've got the iTunes times-played counter thingy to prove it.

I dont really like making the association between favorite/comfort objects and sadness, but in writing this, I've realized that's exactly what I've done. Although, I think that maybe I just notice it more when I am sad, because when things are going good, they're a given. In any case, whether or not it comes off as shallow, I am happy to continue taking comfort in objects :)